The boyfriend from Facebook

So last Saturday, someone got engaged on twitter. Bad news is, it wasn’t me. First of all, I want to say a big congratulations to the couple. But wait a minute, why wasn’t I that lucky girl? I mean despite the fact that my footprints are on all social networks yet no one has proposed to me.
For the next couple of weeks, I will be sharing my ‘boyfriend hunting experiences’ I encountered on various social networks starting with FACEBOOK.

I was going through my facebook updates when I saw a post that captured my attention.
“Cake and icecream at Sweet Sensation, Allen Avenue? Who’s up? #generousmood”
Who says no to free food?
I clicked the comment box and typed
‘me’
Minutes later, my inbox blinked.
He had just one photoshopped picture on his album where he was dressed like an MTV star. I’m talking of timbaland boots, baggy jeans and a hat.
Judging from the number of likes he had, I thought he didn’t look bad. I was a bit disappointed when I went through his posts. This guy was no doubt, haughty. When he’s not referring to girls as bitches, he’s calling them hoes.
I made up my mind not to meet him notwithstanding the fact that both of us were residents of Lagos but alas, fate had other plans.
I was at an event at Four Points by Sheraton one night when I felt someone grabbed my palms in the dark. I turned to say hi when the mysterious guy introduced himself as GuyA, the facebook guy.
It was easy to believe him as he wore his profile picture attire including the boots and hat. We couldn’t see our faces properly due to the dim lights so we exchanged numbers & addresses with an agreement to hang out the next day.
7am, my caller tone woke me up from bed just when I was about eating suya in my dream.
The annoying caller was GuyA.
”Hello NSG, you said you live at Plot bla bla bla…come outside, I’m within the estate.”
I just wanted to dive into my phone and strangle him to death. Which boy calls and visits a girl at 7am in the morning?
“I don’t mean to sound rude but please return back to the vampire coffin you came from! You just interrupted my sweet dreams!” I screamed into my mouthpiece.
Before he could defend himself, I switched off my phone.
Ugggghhhhh!
All that free suya gone just like that…
When I was fully awake by 9am, I switched on my phone only to see a text message from him.
‘Let’s meet at KFC, Ikeja by 2pm. I’m sorry’
I acknowledged his sms.
When I stepped into KFC, I glanced left and right without catching sign of him. As I made to leave, someone signalled me at one corner of the eatery.
I walked to the table to get a closer glimpse of the person when he said
”Haba, Naijasinglegirl, you are funny oh! So if I didn’t call you, you would have just gone home without seeing me.”
”GuyA???” I was held spellbound.
“What is it?” He replied.
“You look different. I really don’t know.” I added.
He still wore his ‘facebook clothes’ with his larger than life boots. Something was not just right and I was trying hard to figure it.

That was when I saw it. Jesus Christ!

“Why didn’t you wear your cap?” I questioned angrily.

I never see this kind head before

His head was a big and shaped just like an ATMachine. Like it was the storehouse for facebook world data. Like he needed a social network called headbook.
I could not believe his hat had tricked his facebook friends into dropping 53 likes for him. Headward owes Mark Zuckerberg 53 likes.
He pretended not to hear my question.
He told me he his an upcoming rapper.
That explained the timbaland boots and  the hollywood mode of dressing. I was waiting for him to explain how he ended up with that mainframe head.
From that moment, he became very annoying. He turned our date to an MTN project fame audition venue.
He suddenly developed one Calabar/Jamaican accent and he began  speaking in lyrics and rhymes.
First thing I heard was ”sweetiepie, you’ve not touched your meatpie”
”You say?” I was dazed at such rhymes..
”My beautiful date, it seems you watch your weight. How about I order salad for you. It won’t cause your body hazard”
How much more could a lady take?
It is an error to have such a large head full of jargon and viruses.
Before I got to the cafe, I promised I was going to stay for 2hours but from the look of things, he was going to corrupt the data in my head if I stayed another ten minutes. I had to cut all traces of him in the smartest way I could since he had my home address and phone no.
“Have you ever killed someone?” I asked him.
“Nooooo, I only murder dem wack rappers with my thunder lyrics” he responded.
“No problem” I sighed.
I continued…
“You know, I met this cult guy last year,,,, he had a cure to my fascination. One day, he captured two people from a rival cult to a forest and he made me shoot them. I had no choice. He swore to hurt me if I didn’t. I had to obey. It felt good watching all that blood spill but whenever I think of my it, I end up with sleepless nights.”
“Is this a joke or something?” The fear in his eyes was gleaming.
“Why would I joke about something like that” I lied.
“Let me take my leave now.” I added casually.
He made no attempt to stop me while I walked out.
The next day, I sent him two heartwarming messages on facebook.
He responded with just one word.
‘Psycho’
That was the last time I heard from him
NSG na you ooo
lol!